Families and feelings Dysregulation is a technical term for a state that many accept as the normal misery of life. Dysregulation can mean a variety of symptoms such as heightened voice tone, tight body, random body pains, stooping gait, poor body posture, tell tale nervous gestures, sucking on the breath, the sigh, panic, heat, fast speech and most importantly, sudden spells of frustrated rage or panic attacks that lead to avoidance of contact or worse lashing out people for little cause. Most of us successfully mask our anxiety, but may be triggered by people such as our partners, mother figures, father figures, authority figures, siblings, etc. At the root of dysregulation is our childhood, where love was conditional or rare, or under constant threat.
Families and feelings play a role in removing anxiety.
In a society where dysregulation is more ‘normal’ than regulation (inner harmony), we struggle to truly belong and to be accepted as ourselves. Dysregulation is rooted in families and feelings conflict, especially unresolved conflict, and lack of safety in experiencing emotion. When we shift into just observing and becoming aware of our reactions, and digging deep into our past, we can usually find the answer as to why we feel emotionally dysregulated. When we become aware of what caused us to feel the way we do, we can usually overcome it. Once our threat is named, it can’t ever be as strong as it was before we named it and we have a way to overcome the demons of trauma that keep us trapped.
When we see a person with true courage, the kind of courage that lets them be comfortable with their vulnerability, we can be sure, that somehow, they were able to look fear in the eye and do it anyway. Anything else is a mask that is bound to fall.
But true courage has no mask because courage comes from facing the fear and the shame that lies behind the mask of, ‘everything is okay’, ‘ I’m fine’, ‘I am not hurting’, and ‘I don’t care anymore.’ The fact is that we care. That it hurt. That we are trying to be brave. But somewhere inside we are hurting and we always will. The greatest gift we can give another is to disclose our pain and be accepted with it, without having to fix it or change it. That is the essence of human connection. If the other person cannot receive it, love is missing. Love means being able to accept others for who they are.
Families that share emotion, and admit vulnerability without fear of ridicule or judgment i.e., grieve together, stay together. Families, where members are able to share feelings and are heard with compassion, are functional families who will find hope and a reason to carry on in the most dire circumstances.
The open bear hug, the deep reflection on life, that extra nod and eye contact, that gentle inquiry, ‘How are you’ and actually listening to the answer without dismissiveness or giving unsolicited advice, is like a glue that holds families together, without which there is no family.
Families don’t have to be genetically connected, but if they are emotionally connected, they last. It doesn’t matter so much if the emotion is anger, fear, shame, joy or grief, as long as members are able to talk about it and share, they have reason to stay engaged in connection.
Silence and withdrawal by members signal loss and disengagement. Families generally must have one or two people who make the effort to talk and engage with all the members. For families in transition, when the older generation passes on, a new person needs to take over the reins, someone whom everybody trusts, otherwise that family will continue to disengage.
Families and feelings values are those values that recognize that the purpose of a family is to provide mutual support. In misogynistic cultures, where there is widespread inequity, certain members of the family are considered less important, for example, those who don’t earn as much as the others, those who look different, or single females. While members of a materialistically driven family will generally keep in touch with a member who has made it good, they may ignore a struggling widow or divorcee and expect service from her as a condition of belonging. I notice that in South Asian family systems, single women may subsume their identity with the family in order to fit in. They may feel guilty and worthless unless they provide service.
Home is where we belong, not just fit in…
In dysfunctional families, respect for each other’s viewpoint is missing. In narcissistic families, some people’s pain is more important than others’ pain. In unhappy families, there isn’t enough love for all the members of the family. In distant families, people have given up caring. Members who disagree with family values may also distance themselves because they don’t feel like they belong as they are different in their inclinations and don’t want to risk ridicule. So, how can we ensure that everybody belongs? I think it starts with being able to communicate feelings and perspectives without personalizing, attacking, apportioning blame, and ridicule. It is hard and it requires courage to be vulnerable. But the opposite of vulnerability is to live in fear and that is not only hard, it means pushing away happiness.