An article in the series: “How meditation heals the mind,”– a series of articles on real life dilemmas and problems that people resolve through meditation.
People give other people unnecessary suffering. They do this out of ignorance according the Buddha. If they knew more, they would not give suffering. Therefore, since the problem is ignorance, which is the human condition, the way out of the problem is compassion. When we practice compassion, it transforms our suffering. When we see the whole impact of our behaviour, through being mindful– we strive not to give suffering, thereby reducing our own quota of suffering. If we all do this, then the amount of suffering in the world collectively will diminish.
A while ago, a student shared her dilemma. She has taken up meditation and decided to align with her real values some time ago, but her relationships with her family had become quite painful for her. They did not understand her ‘new age’ addiction and her siblings especially would make some comment about meditation or new age ideas that would upset her and make her feel very sad.
She did not know what she was doing, ‘wrong.’ She had thought that meditation had given her a lot, freedom from physical pain and more happiness, so she wanted to share the same ‘freedom’ with her family. Her “family had a ‘toxic’ vibe that leaves me drained,” she said.
The meditation teacher does not solve your problem as if it is a math problem. A problem brought to the attention of the meditation teacher is a problem of your consciousness, and you are its witness, nobody else. Only you can actually solve it.
I gave her more meditation. Only true insight can solve a complex problem of perceptions and communications. There are no platitudes that can be given or a mantra or formulaic solutions. Only the hard work of calming the mind, emptying and slowing it down can give a glimpse of truth. Truth resolves the issue right away.
After much meditation she had realized that the root of her problem was her self-worth. ”My family members do not respect the creative arts and are status conscious. I am a creative person. And it makes me feel less worthy.
I feel that I have less status, because I only do creative things. I am not an intellectual or a math genius or a scientist or rich. If my art made more money I’d have status.”
I risk my self-worth, every time I do something I like—which is creative arts.
How can Buddha or you solve my problem? What would he say?.”
I said to her that Buddha would say that the self is an illusion, a very good illusion. So is the non-self. Ask yourself, “who am I?’’
She answered with a slight relief on her face, “I am a witness to my condition.” In that she had found a measure of freedom from suffering.
I asked her, “what is your condition?”
“My condition is suffering, pain, powerlessness. I want to tell my family to change. I want to tell them how important it is to admire and respect all human beings equally, regardless of their perceived status. Each one is unique and valuable.”
I asked her, ‘Are you valuable?”
She cried. “No.”
“Why?”
She: “I lack status.”
“How?”
“Because I don’t make as much money as someone else.”
“You believe that money is important in having status. Go home and meditate on how you learnt that.”
She came back a while later and told me about how her anger had become grief. She was so sad because as a child she saw how some people were considered less than others because of how much money they had.
She said she had a lump of grief in her throat. And the grief sometimes made it hard to talk.
I could be with her suffering in compassion. Her grief was a normal emotion. There was nothing wrong with it. As humans we deep down know that we are one. When we see injustice done to others it gives us pain and grief. Her reaction showed her healthy mind.
It would take her time but because grief is a self-healing emotion, it provides an opportunity for spiritual development and expands our capacity to love unconditionally and experience more love.
As she allowed her grief to be felt, her irritation at her family became less. They were just doing what they were used to doing. They were unaware that they were being unkind and in fact that they were ignorant. None of these things were her problem, but their decisions. Just as she wished freedom in living her life, she needed to give the same freedom and space to her family to do what they thought was right. The joy on her face was profound–she was radiant. She could love them just as they are, and she could love herself, just as she is.
She told me that instead of expecting them to change or telling them to change, she wants to develop the inner strength to do what she thought was right. She resolved to spend more time with people she liked and admired, this would be her gift to herself. And her peacefulness was her gift for her family.
She was detaching from the need to be accepted by others, and instead she was focusing on accepting herself.
